The Passion of Joan of Arc

How can a movie made almost 80 years ago still have the power to be one of the most touching movies ever made? I say its honesty, simplicity, honesty and more than anything silence.

I was so lost in the movie, like I was present in that chamber with Joan, like I was experiencing everything, every step of the way, with her. Since “The Passion of Christ”, I had never watched a movie picturing faith, suffering and martyrdom so beautifully and so convincing.

The Passion of Joan of Arc simply narrates Joan’s trials, torture, confession and finally her execution by burning at the stake. Apparently, the actual transcripts of Joan’s trial were used for the dialogue. Carl Dreyer has so properly used close-up shots all through the movie that you can feel the heat of the fire and Joan’s feellings through her martyrdom. It is breath taking.

I Surrender All

Have you ever been in a situation where you so badly want to change and you have done everything you know of and yet you feel like something is missing, like peace or joy? I have. I have been thinking about the next steps I am going to take when I finish school next semester. I think I should carefully plan my future before future gets here. I am contemplating about getting back to school and getting my MA, and I am torn between English translation, which is my BA major, linguistics or teaching, or even dramatic literature and creative writing.

So I was listening to Joyce Meyer last night and she said something I really liked:

Do what you can do, God will do what you can’t do, but DO what you can do.

The amazing thing about Joyce is that whenever I watch her show, she always talks about something that I need to hear. Every single time I watch her on TV, she says something that I need to know.

So, last night before going to bed, I prayed to God, asking Him to guide me in the path He knows is right for me, the way He chooses for me. I asked Him to change things in my life, and this morning, through web, I found a very good friend of mine since 8th grade. We texted each other and finally talked on the phone, and to my surprise, she has got an MA in Russian teaching, has a good job in Red Cross, and she told me all about her MA major and how marvelous it is teaching and touching people’s lives!

I am still speechless about how fast Lord moves your life once you surrender and let Him get control. HE IS GREAT!

“But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand …” (Psalm 31:14)

Make A U-Turn

This is a post I had written about my mom on my other blog that got deleted. I wanted to keep it on the net somewhere, so I thought I can post it here and share it with the rest of the world:

Reading about “Boomer Babes Rock!” and Allison Bottke interview in CWO Magazine, reminded me about the post I’ve been meaning to write about my mom.

Boomer Babes are women born between 1946 and 1964, who are comfortable enough in their own skin to realize that the mid-life years can be some of the best and most exciting in their entire life.

That sure explains my mom.

Those of you who know me personally and well enough, have heard about or seen my relationship with my mom. We have not always been in the best terms. We barely talked when I was a teenager. I felt like we had nothing in common, other than a blood relation.

During my struggle with my last field in university before finally making the decision to quit and start all over again, I barely acknowledged her unless it was absolutely necessary. Now, of course, it all has changed. Our relationship is in the best shape it has ever been. She is practically my best friend now, and I have to thank Lord and my mother for that. I have been blessed with a great family.

Now, when I look back at the things she has done for me, I see “sacrifice and good advice”. Of course this is how I see things now. Back at those days; I was like “Neeaah!” She has loved me and my brother and of course my father unconditionally, even at the moments she was against what we were up to, especially when my brother and I both left school. Only by the grace of God and her support, studying what I have a passion for is possible today. She just knows how to make things better and one thing she has taught me for sure is how to not be a quitter, like she has never been one. Let me tell you why.

There is a lot to say about her life and her journey, but what I want to write about today is her latest accomplishment, finally getting her BA at the age of almost 50. WOW! I am still amazed by what she has done and how far she has come! With two adult children at home, all the house chores, her job at the “Commerce Ministries” and all other responsibilities, she managed to make it all happen. It was not an easy ride, let me tell you, but she succeeded and I have been a witness to how my dad made it all possible and easy for her and all of us, by undertaking most of house chores, from grocery shopping to cooking and doing laundry, so she could find some quiet time to study.

With an early marriage, getting a job, and getting pregnant first with me and soon after my brother, mom practically lost her chance to pursue her dreams and turn them into reality. Soon after my birth, against her own wish, mom had to leave her job, stay at home and fully devote her time to us and domestic responsibilities. About 10 years ago, mom finally started a new journey of her own. With my brother and I old enough to take some responsibility and manage by ourselves, she ultimately decided that it was time to go back to work, which was not an easy thing, especially since most of her old colleagues were about to retire, when she was just barely starting all over again. One night, almost 5 years later, over dinner, she announced her decision to go back to school. To be honest, I was very skeptical of her decision, but we all told her to go on and follow where her heart was leading her.

Her choice to look at her dreams once again and go back to school and get her BA in “Sociology” had a huge impact on her life, and the lives of others around her. She became a more involved and aware person in different issues and I finally could have all those conversations I had always dreamed to have with her. Many of her friends and relatives tried to follow in her steps and go back to school. Mom has been the only one to manage 4 years studying and finally achieving her goal though, so far.

The way I look at her now and see her is the way I hope someday my child look at me. I hope one day I can be half the person she is, as a woman, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend. She is the best mom I could ever have. What would I do without her?

I am so proud of you, mom. I love you!
She is my inspiration. She can be your inspiration as well.

All I want to tell her has already beautifully said in “Perfect Fan”. In case you like the song and want to have it, it is from the Backstreet Boys album, “Millennium”, written by a BSB member, Brian Littrell. Check out his first solo album “Welcome Home” as well, if you have not already. It is so powerful, so beautiful.

Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep. – John 10:7

This Is Who I Am

I’m a saint and a sinner
I’m a lover and a fighter
I’m a true believer
With Great desire
I’m a preacher of grace
Profit of love
Teacher of truth
I’ve fallen down so many times
But Here I stand in front of you*

I have made a conclusion this week about how this place is going to be. This blog is going to be a journal of my daily walk with God, where I keep a record of my daily adventures and how they affect me on my journey Home. It is going to be about the books I read, movies I watch, blessings, joys and challenges of my everyday life, to remind myself everyday about how I am loved and hopefully be a little help to others who visit this place.

Last week I was on a trip with my family, my aunts and uncle to a southern island. It has been a long time –thirteen/fourteen years- since I had been on any vacation like that with them, and the last time I was…13, I guess.

At the shore, I once again experienced what I had gone through few months back, visiting another island. This is my journal entry for that day:

Sometimes just being somewhere out there and not “doing” anything gets to you. That is what I was mostly thinking about for the past seven days I have been away on vacation.

You get so caught up with everyday rush, the routines, the expectations, the normal everyday life that you become somewhat a robot. I do that a lot. I keep myself busy all the time. If it is not work, it is school. If it is not school, it is movies, books, music, writings, exhibitions, friends, dating, and if none of that works, then it is sleep! It keeps me from getting all depressed all over again. So, it all goes round and round, like a whirlpool, and it gets to a point when I feel being suffocated. I forget all about what life is supposed to be like and how I should take this adventurous thing called life and enjoy its each and every minute. That’s when vacation comes in handy….
The adventure is over and I am back home with this bittersweet feeling. It is good to be home, yet I miss the island already!
The island was breathtaking and mesmerizing! I had never been down south, so everything had a new, refreshing feeling, the people, the weather, the scenery and especially the ocean!

I had not been in a spiritual mood for a while, but the dawns at the beach, watching the sunrise, feeling the cool breeze on my skin, and staring into the ocean….There were moments when there were so many thoughts in my head yet everything felt crystal clear. What I loved the most about the ocean was how small it makes you feel…and the sense of wonder it brings.

Every morning, I just stood there at the shore, letting the cool breeze dance through my hair locks, watching the waves, a boat or two at the distance, and listening to either Brian Littrell or Josh Gracin, and it felt like home.

On the flight back home, as almost all the travelers were asleep, I kept looking at their faces: my grandma, my aunt, my cousins, mom, dad…and it made me wonder about a lot of things; about what happened between me and my best friends few years ago, about what happened to a friendship that could someway exist today and for some reason it does not; about my childhood and my relationship with mom and dad and my family, about me as an individual, about me as a human… about the reasons why I keep going back and forth between different, opposite life styles. One day I am a cynic, the next I am a dreamer. One day I am into intellectual stuff, the next I am discussing a chick flick movie with my friends over lunch, and in every way, there are things to hold me back and leaving me drifting in between these very paradoxical worlds I have created around me. I suddenly realized why I keep looking back on the things I have done, in my past, and why I cannot move forward in my life. I realized I simply still have not forgiven a lot of people for things I have been through my whole life yet. I realized I have not even forgiven myself for my wrong deeds toward a lot of people around me, including myself. I still feel guilty, I still feel its presence in my life, and I cannot deliver myself from that so far.

“Then Peter came up to him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times but seventy times seven.” Math 18 : 21-22

I keep repeating that verse to myself, I try to absorb its power and act on it, but it is not easy. Arthur Caliandro suggests in his book, “Simple Steps : 10 Things You Can Do to Create an Exceptional Life“, praying for the person we need to forgive, and this afternoon I did that. May the Lord hear my prayer and deliver me from this situation.

* Third Day